In the great spiritual
battlefield of the mind we struggle with many things, mostly Self induced. It
is painfully obvious, even to those saints lacking God’s discernment, that we
are ignoble despicable creatures, more sinful then Godly... shamefully always
needing Grace. Spiritual Barrenness is a place of meandering within the narrow
universe between one’s heart and the heart of the living God, a time of sorting
out life’s priorities and purposes in the spirit realm, a journey of spiritual
integrity where we see our heart as it really is... and we see God’s heart.
Barrenness is a bump in the road, a place along The Way, a detour into the
wilderness... a dry desert time... a hard time... a time of restoration. Barrenness is... ultimately, the cry of a
desperate heart longing to experience the power of God’s affections and thereby...
through intimacy with God, know that they are truly known by God. Lord: Once
again I look upon the Cross where You died. Once again I am humbled by Your
majesty... broken inside. And once again I am thankful... ever so thankful,
that in Your constant and superabounding Love... Grace for me resides.
MY PRAYER
FATHER: My heart aches... but
faintly. I love You, desire You, want You... weakly... waveringly. Even the
pain of my denials, denying by my actions that which I profess, even that pain
is so faint... more discomfort then the heart-wrenching anguish that accompanies
true love torn asunder... true love betrayed. My knowledge of You is nothing,
my wisdom even less, as I look without perceiving, hear without
understanding... seeing nothing as it truly is... blind to the beauty in You.
Eternity... what is light. Earth-life... what is dark. Stories remain stories,
void of living water, unable to penetrate my dry and thirsty soul... unable to
circumcise my heart with the scars of divine invasion. Your Cross is a
picture... my cross a facade. My tears... when they do come, are sweet
emotions... moving reminders of Your sacrifice. But not, sadly, the tears of
sharing in Your suffering. Heaven seems a fantasy with no transforming power,
The Way seems a mystic road... the stuff of midnight ramblings. My heart is
cluttered, wanting to be free to soar with You, wanting to drown in Your
love... wanting... while contending with lovers less wild. I call Your name
with sincerity, but do not know its face.
All I am... all that resides in me, seems far, distant... removed from
Your heart. But You beckon me to come... the scepter is raised once again.
Lord, I am nothing... I have nothing... I know nothing... I am at best
despicable... I deserve Hell. All the something I thought was me... all that I held to be important, simply
dissolved before Your radiant beauty... leaving me naked... possessing
nothing... poor for words... empty of all... needy and alone. Even so my
Lord... even so Great Lover of my soul, You call me... naked and wrenched as I
am... You call me. You will not leave me here fatherless... You beckon me to
come. May I find You in my nothingness... in my poverty... in my barrenness, as
I cast myself on Your unfailing love, clinging to the hope You’re not through
with me yet. Where else could I go... Whom have I but You...
WHEN WE CAN’T FIND GOD’S GRACE...
IT WILL FIND US...
