My
heart aches... but faintly. I love You, desire You, want You... weakly...
waveringly. Even the pain of my denials, denying by my actions that which I profess,
even that pain is so faint... more discomfort then the heart-wrenching anguish
that should accompany my betrayal... the anguish of true love torn asunder. My
knowledge of You is nothing, my wisdom even less, as I look without perceiving,
hear without understanding... seeing nothing as it truly is... blind to the
beauty in You. Eternity... what is light. Earth-life... what is dark. Stories
remain stories, void of living water, unable to penetrate my dry and thirsty
soul... unable to circumcise my heart with the scars of divine invasion. Your
Cross is a picture... my cross a facade. My tears... when they do come, are
sweet emotions... moving reminders of Your sacrifice. But not, sadly, the tears
of sharing in Your suffering. Heaven is a fantasy with no transforming power,
The Way a mystic road... the stuff of midnight ramblings. My heart is
cluttered, wanting to be free to soar with You… wanting to drown in Your
love... ever wanting... while contending with lovers less wild. I call Your
name with sincerity, but do not know its face.
All I am... all that resides in me, is far, distant... removed from Your
heart. But You beckon me to come... the scepter is raised once again. Lord, I
am nothing... I have nothing... I know nothing... I am at best despicable... I
deserve Hell. All the something I thought was me... all that I held to be important, simply dissolved
before Your radiant beauty... leaving me naked... possessing nothing... poor
for words... empty of all... needy and alone. Even so my Lord... great lover of
my soul, You call me... naked and wrenched as I am... You call me. You will not
leave me here fatherless... You beckon me to come. May I find You in my
nothingness... in my poverty... in my barrenness, as I cast myself on Your
unfailing love, clinging to the hope You’re not through with me yet. Where else
could I go... Whom have I but You...
WHEN WE CAN’T FIND GOD’S GRACE...
IT WILL FIND US...
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